i was born a porn star she said
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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