it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
