Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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