my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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