I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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