Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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