Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
