she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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