Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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