so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
