it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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