time to smoke my breakfast
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
