just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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