when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize