Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
