I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
