sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
