I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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