someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
as a side note pls kill me
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