mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
