M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
