I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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