the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
