apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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