I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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