Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
