Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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