my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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