he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i think my cat just said my name.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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