how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize