How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize