You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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