the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
