tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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