I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
