he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
