You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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