eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
