I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
