I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
