half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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