My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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