Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize