If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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