We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have feelings that need drinking.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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