She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
