He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
