good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
