To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
