is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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