quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
