Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
