Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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