apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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