Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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