How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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