don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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