Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
