Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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