i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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