Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
