I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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