i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
