I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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