i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
