Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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