you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
