I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
