I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
3 2 1 whiskey
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
