then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
