you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
my poor anus
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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