I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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