Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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