Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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