I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
